Everybody Cut, Everybody Cut: DJ U.N.I.T.Y Takes the (Birthday) Cake

Everybody cut, everybody cut Everybody cut, everybody cut (Everybody) everybody cut footloose

Everybody cut, everybody cut
Everybody cut, everybody cut
(Everybody) everybody cut footloose

CHICAGO, IL — DJ U.N.I.T.Y was an arresting force in toeing the Dance Dance Party Party line on Wednesday, June 18th, on suspicion of making an amazing dance mix, a government official said, describing a playlist that celebrated the DJs birthday, had two songs from Footloose, and started with a first song that was both a warm up and a first fast song.

Investigators are exploring the anonymous demand delivered via loudspeaker “Jack, get Mack, come on before we crack,” while additional intelligence reports attempt to identify the source of the neo-Marxist cell responsible for the statement “My baby may not be rich. He’s watchin’ every dime.” Officials have added a statement that suspicions point to this same source as being responsible for the imperative command “Let’s hear it for the boy. Oh, let’s give the boy a hand.”

“That mix was totally awesome,” said Some Overheard Person, 38, in the DDPP run-off election. “I’m glad I joined the Dance Dance Party Party party. I would totally hire DJ U.N.I.T.Y to hang out in my house and play music all day, and just generally be her awesome self.”

According to exit polls, dancers were a happy, sweating mess. Congress moved swiftly to legislate passing out in a heap in the corner.

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